Waiting on Life or Death

I feel i'm in a hospital room waiting for results....waiting for someone to die or live.

I am in constant confusion and my stomach is turning ever hour. I can't sleep nor hardly eat.

Thinking of what seems to be the destiny makes me gag and my mind keeps staggering; like a deer zig-zagging in front of an oncoming car.

I only feel pain; that of a broken and crushed heart that can never be perfect. The pieces of shattered glass of which I feel I am walking on carve into my feet making me weak and unable to hardly stand.

It feels that every day I am in a hallway pacing back and forth and waiting for the doctor to tell me that my best friend died. I wake up and feel that every. single. day.

Stagnant. Frozen in time. A life on pause.

I keep going in the room to see if I can do anything, give a lung, a soul or a life but I am helpless as well as hopeless.

Whatever will that's in me keeps pressing through, keeps waiting, keeps listening and keeps a thing called hope closest to my heart.

Tapestry

Head above her head, wavering in pain

Suffering from what might be

The nurses crowd in, a cop stands at the door

Clinging to her hope while pacing the floor

The ringing noise finally fades as people begin

to disperse

The shock set on the table is wheeled out

that was submersed.

A breath comes out as things slow to calm

brought back to life from something going wrong

Waiting and wondering life seems to be

like this woman standing by the window with tapestry.

Alone in Belief

I'm yearning inside for them to know

but the wall is set and i'm alone.

Alone in my thoughts and prayers as i sit here and wait.

Wonder and think of when it will come; the last day.

No pain and no agony comes from eyes.

However the lost of this i have come to realize.

I wish for peace and there is none.

I wish for hope but what can i expect while i am among.

Even the closest to me do not understand

perhaps I was wrong about the closeness i share

I wish they'd understand my passion

I wish they'd understand my heart

I'm sick of the slandering of words

and the flinging of the darts.

This is eternity i want to say

but my words and quilled and taken

away.

I don't want to waste life with regrets

I want to live it like how i was meant

So few can grasp the urge to save a life

but maybe i'm in the wrong crowd

i just want to shout aloud

That Christ is alive and can bring peace

miracles can happen and love can increase

But i'm held back by the word "No"

and "I don't think you should".

Time to respect, I can't reject

but my heart is pounding in me

let the blind see.

I'm holding on to what he says

and praying for a miracle

from his birth to the cross

to the grave where he rose again.

Help me Help me. Give me strength and courage

I say to God.

Hear me oh hear me i'm desperate among

desperate people.

What can I say and what can I do

All i know Is i have to be the grain amongst the few/

Resurrection

These tears hidden behind these eyes are under no spell.

guiding your words to my heart to where they dwell.

Groveling for breath in this world of men,

no matter I feel trapped once again.

Hearing you speak with those hateful words to me

is like a thousand spears that drown out my soul

and into a dream.

Castrating ever emotion I ever could feel,

if only writing these words could keep my mind sealed.

I don't want to become the demon I once was,

so i give my mind a round of applause.

Begging for mercy to be just like you, but

i'm constantly finding away to make them askew.

Dear mind, i loathe the way you think and the lies you tell me.

How could you become my worst enemy.

Dragging through filth with the dirt on my knees,

all bloodied and buried underneath these feet.

Sought out after the grave of who I buried long ago,

watching it slowly resurrect from head to toe.

Breaking that inner spirit I once thought I head,

shattering my dreams which made this scar bled.

Pain on my skin feels no different then,

suddenly the past is rising from the dead.

Things People Don't Tell You About Sex Before Marriage

Sure, Sex is great. But little do people understand what happens when they have sex before marriage.

Besides what religion you are or what faith you have or besides any spiritual background that you come from, sex before marriage comes with a price later on.

I know because I did; with someone other than my husband.

Not only does it make your spouse possibly jealous but it also complicates the closeness

and openness you may feel about sex later on.

Sex is designed for that bond that you are only suppose to share with your husband or wife.

Having sex before marriage complicates that bond and may not provide that closeness that was intended because it was used loosely (perhaps) in the past.

Sometimes sex before marriage wasn't intended. In some examples, drinking comes into play and others would be persuasion and peer pressure. Examples I can relate to.

I talked to someone about their feeling about sex now that he is married and because he put up a wall before he was married (so he wouldn't get too close to someone) , sex isn't as special or important as what should have been for him now.

Now from my personal experience.

I feel regret and wish I would have waited for the man I married.

Not only for my beliefs but because I now I have regrets and loss. I lost

a best friend (that was a guy) because we had sex one time.

Another reason why i don't drink anymore is because of sex. I made mistakes

and was stupid and let others persuade me into giving away something that I wanted to keep.

Yes, it was my choice however, I let the small voice in my head dissipate.

Everyone has secrets and small regrets about what they wish they would have done differently in life. Even if its to wait for marriage to have sex.

Another thing I want to point out: Most people "This is the one. This is the girl/guy i'm going to marry." But never predict or "think" that the person your having sex with or in a relationship with is the "one". Another direct example of what I thought and how later on I broke it off with that person, although we were close to engagement, I realized our differences in belief or morals and I broke it off. Therefore proving my point; that you never know for "sure" until the day comes when you walk down the aisle or stand there and say your vows to the one you will commit to.

A lot of people are hurt and/or in pain from past relationships, past sexual flings with people leaving and going and things failing between two people. Besides the chance of pregnancy.

We still don't learn. Women and men see this common theme where pain can come from having sex before marriage no matter the situation, but we still do it. We still decide to follow what we "feel" and what we think is right. We need to look at statistics and think how we will feel in the future.

Do we want to live life with regret? Do we want to wish that we would have waited?

Do we want to make sex special? Do we want to wish we would have done it differently?

Do we want to be satisfied with how we made life choices? Do we want to provide and care for children at the age of 16?

Now, because abortion is legal and there is so many ways to "get rid" of children with certain birth controls, plan B and other abortionistic things, teenagers and young adults consider risking sex.

Why has it become such an okay thing? Does tv shows promote this? yes. Why cant we look around and realize what is truly important??

I wish someone would have hit me in the head with this. I wish i could go back and erase those few things. And i believe hearing someone tell you that "You shouldn't do that" wont help but for someone to tell you that it's not worth the pain later on and that standing up for your beliefs is way better. That something to stand up for.

Sex is not overrated. Sex is meant to be special. However, if it occurs before marriage, that gift to your spouse is so much more meaningful and special and wonderful..And all that jealousy and talks about past sexual relationships and the hurt wont be there.

I promise you, it would have been the best choice if I would have just stood up for myself and didn't join the crowd with their lies of something thats "cool" and "great". Who knows...It wasnt.

It would have been much more greater if i would have made the right decision.

Another blunt blog coming your way,

A Closing Chapter, A New Promise, The Unexpectant Truth

There's only a few weeks till this year is over and another one will then begun.

So much has happened. But then so little has happened as well.

A lot of things going around with people. But me? It feels i'm standing still with my career

goals, dreams and aspirations sitting beside me.

Before I begin anything or write anything, i'd like to make a promise as well as

Beginning these entries from here on out as unexpectant truths.

Pure openess about my thoughts and what is going on with me and my head.

I'm sick of writers and journalists, portraying only what they "want" to feel or what they "want"

to happen or what they "want" people to see in them, rather than what IS.

So starting off with things I have witnessed, have done and wished to do-

I Got Engaged.

I Got Married.

My Grandfather died.

My Mother found out she has breast cancer.

I began a Photography business.

Lost money.

Gained money.

Got a few new jobs. Both of them: horrible.

Didn't Go to School.

Went to Chicago.

Had a pregnant scare and another.

Got a Motorcycle.

Got a New Camera.

Made Love_inAction Co. (An organization to help the needy).

Felt Depressed.

Felt Alone.

Felt Happy.

Felt Scared.

Felt Nervous.

Loved.

Dislike.

Felt Unwanted and Rejected.

Prayed.

Hoped.

Almost gave Plasma (This week I will).

....More to come i'm sure.

So now-right now i will be telling gruesome truths. Some G rated and some R rated.

Somethings about love and sex, other things about hate and dishonor. And who knows maybe

things that have been knocking on my head about family and respect and what is "right" or "wrong" in a crisis.....

Today a new blog begins, but the person remains the same.

Bitterness Could Turn Sweet

Wipe the Insanity off my face,

give me a look I can't ignore perhaps something more.

This scream fills my dreams like an unheard melody

within the rotten seam. Destiny is calling you

To that unheard song you once new. All these hours

screaming out, finally untrapped me from this doubt.

Show me how to follow the flowing water that

guides me to a safe place ive never been.

Only through Him I say.

Without these words I have no faith.

Without you the deal is broke

and without you I know i'll choke.

Without you I feel the dirt and I feel the pain,

But with you ah thats different to say.

With you I am strong.

With you I am whole

and with you, i have a love

i've never known.

Help me be more like you.

I want to live the purpose you have for me.

Help me only look towards you.

Kill the bitterness, break down the walls

and just set my heart free.

Memories in these Walls

So many memories we have

So many days he carried.

Life is short, just a vapor away.

In a glimpse of an eye, it is here and

gone today.

We reminisce of the past

of what he did, what he gained

and what we lost.

Deep down inside, we know that he's

in a better place.

No sorrow, no anguish and no pain.

Memories in these walls that

are painted by a vision.

Letting go makes it the

hardest decision.

But having hope and knowing he was saved,

gives us peace in knowing Dave

and where he is today.

"With Jesus in Heaven"

I hear toddlers say,

making tears come from my

eyes, marking a smile on

my face.

Let this be a realization to us all,

as these memories hang on the wall.

He was a man of brilliance and wit

He gave up his time and pursued his gift.

He managed to love his wife, children and family.

He was stubborn and never gave up easily.

We morn over his loss

but in the end we know who paid

the cost.

For our sins and iniquities,

it was Jesus Christ who died for Dave,

for you and for me.

And that is how he's rejoicing in heaven

on this very day, because he loved

the Lord and his sins were washed away.

*In memory of Dave B Curie- a Loving Husband, Father, Brother, and Grandfather

By: Elyse Foltz

Escape

Escape

It seems these things come like electricity

Circuiting through every fiber being in me.

Rushing and racing- while my heart stops

Only for a second does it make it drop.

It seems these things come like toxicity

Suckling underneath the bridge of simplicity.

It doesn’t feel real. It feels like a dream.

As I hear the cries and I hear the screams.

Shadows looking over, the sun

Captures memories; hoping to make a run.

Blissful skies, tranquil lies;Anything to get this pain to subside.

Trying to process this emotional bind.

Creating a passage way from my heart to my mind.

Praying- imagining- hoping that life will go on

.Needing time- to leave; escape- here I come, Milan.

By: Elyse Foltz

Sometimes There is Rain...

Right now it is raining.

Sometimes I feel like in Life, rain is God's love or his mercy's and blessings but other times I feel like it's worries and stress and all the difficulties in life that come down.

Not only a sprinkle but a pouring rain that drenches you, that makes you scared

of your appearance.

What am I scared of you may ask?

Life.

Losing Love.

Failing.

Running.

Mysteriously growing farther and farther away from someone...

or something.

Sometimes tides of rain come in and you are standing there with an umbrella unsure of what to do.

Sure you are equipped....but not every time do you carry an umbrella or a raincoat.

And that's where I get stuck.

I'm always feeling stranded in the middle of a field unsure when the rain is going to hit and

very unprepared for what storm will cave in.

Sometimes there is Rain, but sometimes there is something more.

Sometimes there is Rain, but other times there just might be a flood.

I've only be married for a few months and I already feel like that passion between two people can slip away so easily.

Why?

Is that normal?

Is it just me? Or is it the storm i'm waiting for or hesitating to miss?

I don't want to live with a life of regret.... as in what could have been or what should

have been...I want to live a life with purpose but at this moment feel i'm just standing out in the middle of nowhere with no sign, no manual on what to do, and not a simple drop of food or water to keep me alive....What am i missing?

It's easy to put a face, any face on something that could not be. It's easy to mislead. It's easy to lie to myself. It's easy to fake happiness.

Why is it so easy to fake and not actually to do?

I have yet to understand the true meaning of why I am the way I am. Why I want something more than the so called life I have. Why I long for passion with my relationships and the people that I love. Some show passion and that gives me hope.

However, others seem dry, heartless and say that they love but don't embrace me or others.

Are we all just stranded in fields waiting for the rain and/or the storm? Or are we stuck wishing there was a path that says "go here"?

Could it be that Sometimes there is Rain.........

and Sometimes there is Sunshine?

Waiting for the light....waiting for that sign....hopelessly, patiently, enthusiastically waiting....