The weather is getting beautiful, spring break is close and the smell of summer is just around the corner.
So why do I feel like i've just been hit by a heavy snow storm?
I feel like i've fallen into a dark hole with no where to go except down.
I fear. I fear of failure, rejection, and being unloved. But in reality i don't care either way.
If i'm rejected; i don't care. If i'm unloved; i don't care. I want to be myself. If you like me
that way then GREAT. If you don't, that's really ONLY your problem. I could care less.
You got to love friends. Especially the ones who are negative a lot, talk behind your back, who are extremely rude & mean, cry about everything, and blame all their past on their present actions. Oh, how do i love it! it makes me extremely happy. Do you think i'm serious? ha! what do you think?
This snow storm started out as trickling rain growing to a snow storm with a quick switch of temperature in an instant.
I need to get away from all this drama. Yes, there is always drama. Even when there's not, that's drama itself. It is like a light switch; on one moment, off the other. And people just LOVE to keep flicking that light switch on . . . over and over and over again.
I can't wait for this break. I NEED it. Stress, depression and fear is coming out my throat. I need to let it go.
Hopefully, i'll come back with a sunshine glow of happiness. And maybe just maybe the season of my heart will be spring.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Friday, March 20, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Never Lose Something You Won't be Able to Ever Find Again
If I ever find something of worth, like a seashell, do I let it be lost under the ocean floor or do I put it in my pocket to save and keep?
The most unique shells are not like the others. It catches your eyes; there is something about it that makes you want to pick it up. Perhaps the ridges, the color or the shape. Usually it is the slightly broken ones that grab your attention. I know that i'll never find another one like it....I may hold onto it for awhile as I roam the beach but in the end I throw it back out towards the ocean only to get swept back to the tide where someone else will find it. Or it will go farther out sea to perhaps never be found again.
The next morning I come back to where the masses of shells lay. I changed my mind. I've thought of nothing else but to find the shell i've once dropped. No matter how hard I search I can't find THAT shell nor one that looks anything like it. I lost it.
Was it a mistake or will I find an even better shell the next trip I take?
The most unique shells are not like the others. It catches your eyes; there is something about it that makes you want to pick it up. Perhaps the ridges, the color or the shape. Usually it is the slightly broken ones that grab your attention. I know that i'll never find another one like it....I may hold onto it for awhile as I roam the beach but in the end I throw it back out towards the ocean only to get swept back to the tide where someone else will find it. Or it will go farther out sea to perhaps never be found again.
The next morning I come back to where the masses of shells lay. I changed my mind. I've thought of nothing else but to find the shell i've once dropped. No matter how hard I search I can't find THAT shell nor one that looks anything like it. I lost it.
Was it a mistake or will I find an even better shell the next trip I take?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
This Pain.
Like the Pain in My Back, I Feel Pressured by the World to Compromise.
The Twisting of One's Words and Putting them on Me is No Suprise.
They are of the World, which I'm Not Of.
My Body is Here, But My Soul is Above.
This Ache that I'm Feeling has a Hunger for the Lost.
Giving and Sharing with a Love Without Any Cost.
But yet This Pain Seems to Weigh Me Down.
With all My Mistakes that Make Me Feel Like I'm Going to Drown.
I Don't Want to Drown By My Blood, But Only by Yours.
As i'm Going Down to the Depth of the Sea
I'm Facing all my Heart's Wars.
I'm Screaming Out to Save Me and I Know You Will Jump In.
You've Erased all my Iniquities and Every Single Sin.
Now I am Clean Washed in Your Love.
The Hurt is Gone and it's to You in which I Will Succumb.
The Twisting of One's Words and Putting them on Me is No Suprise.
They are of the World, which I'm Not Of.
My Body is Here, But My Soul is Above.
This Ache that I'm Feeling has a Hunger for the Lost.
Giving and Sharing with a Love Without Any Cost.
But yet This Pain Seems to Weigh Me Down.
With all My Mistakes that Make Me Feel Like I'm Going to Drown.
I Don't Want to Drown By My Blood, But Only by Yours.
As i'm Going Down to the Depth of the Sea
I'm Facing all my Heart's Wars.
I'm Screaming Out to Save Me and I Know You Will Jump In.
You've Erased all my Iniquities and Every Single Sin.
Now I am Clean Washed in Your Love.
The Hurt is Gone and it's to You in which I Will Succumb.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Opinions Set in TIme.
In the crossings of my mind, I feel I'm only led by time.
With so many opinions put in perspective, I feel my own thoughts have been neglected.
I need not to change my own pace, that makes up the expression on my face.
I have given into temptation, in my own mind it has read condemnation.
I've let my inner soul be devoured, and in turn has led my heart to sour.
With all these thoughts, I need to stand. Not on other's beliefs that run through the sand.
But in my own that I can base my own opinions on; that set the course of time beyond.
With so many opinions put in perspective, I feel my own thoughts have been neglected.
I need not to change my own pace, that makes up the expression on my face.
I have given into temptation, in my own mind it has read condemnation.
I've let my inner soul be devoured, and in turn has led my heart to sour.
With all these thoughts, I need to stand. Not on other's beliefs that run through the sand.
But in my own that I can base my own opinions on; that set the course of time beyond.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Update- School and Such
So I arrived at Kent State University friday night and moved in my dorm, Centennial D, Saturday afternoon. It was quiet. I could hear snow fall from the roof; that's how quiet.
But I liked it. It was calm. Although I had to move everything in by myself, which wasn't exactly fun, it was nice. So far no roommate and i'm crossing my fingers for there not to be this semester. I feel like that could way me down perhaps. Or just create a boundary to concentration. Living by myself I can do what I want to do, when I want to do and I like that. . . very much. As far as friends go, not too many so far. I mean I have friends from last year but no new ones quite yet. However, I have met a few people on my floor who seem to be pretty chill so that's always awesome.
Job? Zero at this moment in time. A few weeks from now? most likely not. I'm going to try.
But like I said in my last blog, this year is to succeed beyond myself. That's what i'm here for.
And if I can do that, that maybe a job will pop up somewhere along the lines of this semester.
I already miss my family. . . which is odd. But i'll get over it. It's just weird not having them around. Kinda strange. Like i'm a freshman all over again, except i know where i'm going, how to use my flashcard, and where the good places to eat are.
I also miss my man. I know. . . EVERYONE in the world says that, however i sincerely do.
Jack's in California training before he's off to Iraq (or Afganistan). I'm counting down. . . one month...before i get to see him. But this shall pass too.
Well this entry seemed to be more like a journal rather than a blog. But hey, that's what makes writing, writing. You can write whatever the heck you want and no one gives. It's kinda nice.
Until next time i'm off.
But I liked it. It was calm. Although I had to move everything in by myself, which wasn't exactly fun, it was nice. So far no roommate and i'm crossing my fingers for there not to be this semester. I feel like that could way me down perhaps. Or just create a boundary to concentration. Living by myself I can do what I want to do, when I want to do and I like that. . . very much. As far as friends go, not too many so far. I mean I have friends from last year but no new ones quite yet. However, I have met a few people on my floor who seem to be pretty chill so that's always awesome.
Job? Zero at this moment in time. A few weeks from now? most likely not. I'm going to try.
But like I said in my last blog, this year is to succeed beyond myself. That's what i'm here for.
And if I can do that, that maybe a job will pop up somewhere along the lines of this semester.
I already miss my family. . . which is odd. But i'll get over it. It's just weird not having them around. Kinda strange. Like i'm a freshman all over again, except i know where i'm going, how to use my flashcard, and where the good places to eat are.
I also miss my man. I know. . . EVERYONE in the world says that, however i sincerely do.
Jack's in California training before he's off to Iraq (or Afganistan). I'm counting down. . . one month...before i get to see him. But this shall pass too.
Well this entry seemed to be more like a journal rather than a blog. But hey, that's what makes writing, writing. You can write whatever the heck you want and no one gives. It's kinda nice.
Until next time i'm off.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Update!
Wow. Has it been Really since October since i've written??
Well gee, I have not time to lose.
What is New?
---I have decided to go back to Kent State this coming semester.
All the paperwork is filed, all financial aid credited and taken care of,
and even classes scheduled. However, I have not received an assignment
for my dormitory. Hmmm . . . I wonder why.
Well Tomorrow I will definitely be calling Residence Services to ask them
what's going on.
Other than that nothing too much is relatively "new" per-say.
---My last day working at the Carlisle Inn WC is in about a week (the 20th).
Boy, i'm ready for it too. Just need time to relax, get everything around for school,
and etc.
--- Christmas is almost here. A New Year is about to begin. MOST of my christmas
shopping is finished. I've ordered most of the gifts online so therefore I am
still patiently waiting for bundles and packages to get here.
--- From December 29th through January 1st, I, i mean WE, (me and my boyfriend)
are planning on going to Canada. We decided to take a trip to be together before he goes
over in Iraq or Afganistan..and just spend New Years Eve together. I'm excited however
a little weary on money. No bookings have been made nor reservations quite yet and its the 14th! However, im not too worried- whatever happens..happens.
--- I'm very excited to get started on school again..now that i have my head reset...and am focused and lurking to succeed! =)
--- I am already looking into what i want to do for Spring Break. I have the same Break as my
family so we may or may not go to North Carolina.
--- This coming summer, I feel i have a few options for myself. Listed as follows:
1) Work and Live at Home
2) Go to School at Kent State University
3) Go to School at New York University
4) Travel
5) Volunteer or Paid Archaeologica Dig
SO FFARRR those are the options...few..yes...but im sure i'll collect more. Then the
process of elimintation begins!
--- My Family is doing well. I love my 2 sisters, brother, mom and dad, grandparents, cousins, friends, and my boyfriend. I'm SOOO incredibly thankful for everyone!
Well that's the end of the "UPDATE". If anything crazy changes, i'll def. be posting ASAP! =)
Have an Amazing Day!
Well gee, I have not time to lose.
What is New?
---I have decided to go back to Kent State this coming semester.
All the paperwork is filed, all financial aid credited and taken care of,
and even classes scheduled. However, I have not received an assignment
for my dormitory. Hmmm . . . I wonder why.
Well Tomorrow I will definitely be calling Residence Services to ask them
what's going on.
Other than that nothing too much is relatively "new" per-say.
---My last day working at the Carlisle Inn WC is in about a week (the 20th).
Boy, i'm ready for it too. Just need time to relax, get everything around for school,
and etc.
--- Christmas is almost here. A New Year is about to begin. MOST of my christmas
shopping is finished. I've ordered most of the gifts online so therefore I am
still patiently waiting for bundles and packages to get here.
--- From December 29th through January 1st, I, i mean WE, (me and my boyfriend)
are planning on going to Canada. We decided to take a trip to be together before he goes
over in Iraq or Afganistan..and just spend New Years Eve together. I'm excited however
a little weary on money. No bookings have been made nor reservations quite yet and its the 14th! However, im not too worried- whatever happens..happens.
--- I'm very excited to get started on school again..now that i have my head reset...and am focused and lurking to succeed! =)
--- I am already looking into what i want to do for Spring Break. I have the same Break as my
family so we may or may not go to North Carolina.
--- This coming summer, I feel i have a few options for myself. Listed as follows:
1) Work and Live at Home
2) Go to School at Kent State University
3) Go to School at New York University
4) Travel
5) Volunteer or Paid Archaeologica Dig
SO FFARRR those are the options...few..yes...but im sure i'll collect more. Then the
process of elimintation begins!
--- My Family is doing well. I love my 2 sisters, brother, mom and dad, grandparents, cousins, friends, and my boyfriend. I'm SOOO incredibly thankful for everyone!
Well that's the end of the "UPDATE". If anything crazy changes, i'll def. be posting ASAP! =)
Have an Amazing Day!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Satisfaction- No Testimony?
Ever wonder how one thing can fill your satisfaction?
to tell you the truth nothing can.
Lately, small things can fill my satisfaction for only a couple minutes, a couple hours or even several days, but NOTHING can fill me forever.
It's strange. At the time, I think it can, but in the end it's discouraging and even sometimes scary.
It gets hard to understand and grasp what will last and what won't.
Even all the major things in life we think that will fulfill us, like family, friends, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex, etc.....
In the end, none of those things matter. In the end, none of these things can fulfill us.
As human beings, we are deceived. And think that somehow these things will complete us or make us whole.
But nothing can make us whole except the Lord God Almighty.
In an odd way, it's weird to say this but in the end I know i'm right.
When I was younger, i sinned of course but nothing major. I figured that I had no testimony and I felt boring; unlike other people who came out of serious things.
Somehow later down the road that deceived my mind. It wasn't the reason why I did the things I did, more over it was things I wanted to do.
Now, after doing several stupid things in my life i finally realized that NOT getting into junk WAS my testimony.
I was able to disdain from sins of the world. That WAS something AMAZING.
Now, I feel drenched with sin, tired with immorality, and unsuited for life and God's purpose.
I know this could be a so called "testimony" of itself, but I wish i would have realized that sooner.
I shouldn't have wasted my time on things that don't matter later down the road.
Instead I should have concentrated on things that will.
I made the mistake of believing that other things could build up to my satisfaction even when I knew it all along that it couldn't.
Until the moment I realized my road ends here; these things have to stop.
My eyes are open and I finally realize the mistakes I made are not of God.
So why do I still get the feeling that some things are okay in certain circumstances?
Why do I feel like i'm still being clung by a hand of death and sickness?
Why do I want to go back to the fatal being I once was?
Am I being tricked or is this just another "venture" to "find" satisfaction?
to tell you the truth nothing can.
Lately, small things can fill my satisfaction for only a couple minutes, a couple hours or even several days, but NOTHING can fill me forever.
It's strange. At the time, I think it can, but in the end it's discouraging and even sometimes scary.
It gets hard to understand and grasp what will last and what won't.
Even all the major things in life we think that will fulfill us, like family, friends, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex, etc.....
In the end, none of those things matter. In the end, none of these things can fulfill us.
As human beings, we are deceived. And think that somehow these things will complete us or make us whole.
But nothing can make us whole except the Lord God Almighty.
In an odd way, it's weird to say this but in the end I know i'm right.
When I was younger, i sinned of course but nothing major. I figured that I had no testimony and I felt boring; unlike other people who came out of serious things.
Somehow later down the road that deceived my mind. It wasn't the reason why I did the things I did, more over it was things I wanted to do.
Now, after doing several stupid things in my life i finally realized that NOT getting into junk WAS my testimony.
I was able to disdain from sins of the world. That WAS something AMAZING.
Now, I feel drenched with sin, tired with immorality, and unsuited for life and God's purpose.
I know this could be a so called "testimony" of itself, but I wish i would have realized that sooner.
I shouldn't have wasted my time on things that don't matter later down the road.
Instead I should have concentrated on things that will.
I made the mistake of believing that other things could build up to my satisfaction even when I knew it all along that it couldn't.
Until the moment I realized my road ends here; these things have to stop.
My eyes are open and I finally realize the mistakes I made are not of God.
So why do I still get the feeling that some things are okay in certain circumstances?
Why do I feel like i'm still being clung by a hand of death and sickness?
Why do I want to go back to the fatal being I once was?
Am I being tricked or is this just another "venture" to "find" satisfaction?
Thursday, June 5, 2008
*Living With Passion*
Hungry for Life.
Longing for Hope.
Living to the Fullest.
Gaining in Faith.
Growing in your Dream.
Never Giving Up; Never Giving In.
Pushing through the Hard Times.
Embracing the Good Times.
Reaching for the Goal.
Searching for the Fire that is Burning Inside.
Finding your Inner Self and Who’ve you yet to Become.
Trusting that He knows.
Moving into the Direction of Succeeding.
Longing for Hope.
Living to the Fullest.
Gaining in Faith.
Growing in your Dream.
Never Giving Up; Never Giving In.
Pushing through the Hard Times.
Embracing the Good Times.
Reaching for the Goal.
Searching for the Fire that is Burning Inside.
Finding your Inner Self and Who’ve you yet to Become.
Trusting that He knows.
Moving into the Direction of Succeeding.
Friday, January 4, 2008
A New Year
It's 2008; a New Year! New Resolutions. New Thoughts. New Hopes. Newness is in the air.
I believe we can Make the Best out of the Year
By Living!
The Past is well...the Past!
A New Year is starting over. New plans, a fresh start.
Making a new past, starting the future, and moving on.
If it means beginning a new way of life or just living more fully~
~ Grasp onto Life because you Never Know when it could slip out of Your Hands.
Look Ahead and Strive for Life.
Happy New Year to ALL.
I believe we can Make the Best out of the Year
By Living!
The Past is well...the Past!
A New Year is starting over. New plans, a fresh start.
Making a new past, starting the future, and moving on.
If it means beginning a new way of life or just living more fully~
~ Grasp onto Life because you Never Know when it could slip out of Your Hands.
Look Ahead and Strive for Life.
Happy New Year to ALL.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Love is....(6/23/07)
Love can bring a smile to a face that never has.
Love can bond even the worst of enemies.
Love can be simple.
Love can be complicated.
Love is the depth of your heart.
Love breaks chains, bondages, and fears.
Love brings back memories.
Love gives you a reason to live.
Love is the hope for tomorrow.
Love never fades away.
Love will be there right beside you, there to guide you through the quest of life.
Love is never foolish yet can make us be joyful and excited.
Love can make a person do things that he/she never though they could do.
Love can change you.
Love is the peace in our lives that gives us a chance to say i love you.
Love is the forever love that will never let you go; never let you fall.
Love is not fake;it's real and truthful.
Love can bring a kiss to a tear, a hug to a fear, and a person to be beside when you are lonely.
Love is not the only the greatest gift, but it's also the greatest thing you could ever receive.
Love brings out your inner being.
Love controls who you are, yet it can make you go out of control; in the greatest of ways.
Love is unselfishness and thinking of others than yourself.
Love makes you giddy, angelic, divine,wonder, brings joy, and attracts the true sensibility of the heart.
Love is the definition of a chance that can be taken.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
the ART of Stress...
wow.. life can be soo stressfull..no matter what is going on..its nuts
i hate stress!!
i hate stress!!
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