The Words You Should Have Said

You'd be suprised how things stay in a bottle of time
waiting to find all the broken pieces you've left behind.
You're wishing and waiting yet you're still suffocating
from the air that you breathe in so deeply. Yet you're not awake,
not you are not awake -in my mind you may be dying or only asleep.

I'm waiting for you to whisper "Darling"
but the words are held back from all the crying
my emotions are seasick from the swimming blue
of the "i love you" that has not been said.
I'm waiting for your to turn your head and whisper "Darling".

You'd be suprised how things try to erase themselves waiting
for the memories to come out of the shelves that you put away
You're wishing that time could give way and make up the loss
for all the words you didn't say. You seem so distant, yet so close
when i'm aware- in my mind youre stuck in the glare.

I'm waiting for you to whisper "Darling"
but the words are held back from all the crying
my emotions are seasick from the swimming blue
of the "i love you" that has not been said.
I'm waiting for your to turn your head
and whisper "Darling".

You'd be amazed how time ticks when you're not around
waiting for those chances that those sorrows drown out.
You're thinking that i'm wanting to be alone
, little did you know that i dont want you to go home.
Too bad you didn't figure that out before i left,
but now you are the one without love.

I waited for you to whisper "Darling"
but the words never came-
you could get by with just the charming
my emotions were seasick from the swimming blue
of the "i love you" that was never said.
I gave up on you instead, now you will only hear me singing
that i should have never waited to hear you say "Darling".

Perhaps.

This time will fade.
Perhaps these answers will be swade
by the minutes that life convey.
Perhaps under these decisions made,
that come to abrasively invade.
The knight comes with his blade,
while holding a grenade.
The world begins to suffocate
of all the lies that's come its way.
No longer can they pray,
no longer can they say,
perhaps the evil has come to conquerour parade.
Perhaps it's all a masquerade,
the smoke unwillingly to dissipate,
as he comes down to serenate,
with sweet kisses now hiding in the shade.
Now creating a rivaling crusade,
perhaps it will be delayed.
Perhaps a blockade.
Perhaps i'm the only one afraid
of what this country has paid
we walk in dismay.
as the knight's armor turns gray.
only the truth will shine if we give way...
Perhaps...it will be today.

No Clue with Life

My inspiration comes from crazy places....as little as sitting on a suede couch writing my name out.
Lately, i've been filled with regret, sadness, and hopelessness....my life is like a scramble of boxes mixed together filled with chaos and confusion. . . . When i was creating my "art" on the sofa, i was creating curlies and swirlies...a massive portrait...i messed up...so i moved my hand over it and all was erased....i had a new slate...a new area to recreate the picture.
I want life to be that easy....where if something goes wrong i could swipe it away with the ease of my hand.
Unfortunately, it's not.

And what just hit me ....right now....is that God is the only one who can. He's the only person that's big enough to give me a new life, a new way, a new day. Nothing else can do it. I'm striving, i'm pressing.....but is he there? i cant feel him...but he says he is there. . . when will it come? when will i feel is power? when will i see? when will my hopelessness diminish? will it take weeks, months, years? i feel im lost in a sea filled with all bitterness, hatred, anger, and depression.....and God is on a boat looking down at me...but is he reaching his hand out to save me?

Season of my Heart

The weather is getting beautiful, spring break is close and the smell of summer is just around the corner.
So why do I feel like i've just been hit by a heavy snow storm?
I feel like i've fallen into a dark hole with no where to go except down.
I fear. I fear of failure, rejection, and being unloved. But in reality i don't care either way.
If i'm rejected; i don't care. If i'm unloved; i don't care. I want to be myself. If you like me
that way then GREAT. If you don't, that's really ONLY your problem. I could care less.
You got to love friends. Especially the ones who are negative a lot, talk behind your back, who are extremely rude & mean, cry about everything, and blame all their past on their present actions. Oh, how do i love it! it makes me extremely happy. Do you think i'm serious? ha! what do you think?

This snow storm started out as trickling rain growing to a snow storm with a quick switch of temperature in an instant.
I need to get away from all this drama. Yes, there is always drama. Even when there's not, that's drama itself. It is like a light switch; on one moment, off the other. And people just LOVE to keep flicking that light switch on . . . over and over and over again.

I can't wait for this break. I NEED it. Stress, depression and fear is coming out my throat. I need to let it go.
Hopefully, i'll come back with a sunshine glow of happiness. And maybe just maybe the season of my heart will be spring.

Never Lose Something You Won't be Able to Ever Find Again

If I ever find something of worth, like a seashell, do I let it be lost under the ocean floor or do I put it in my pocket to save and keep?
The most unique shells are not like the others. It catches your eyes; there is something about it that makes you want to pick it up. Perhaps the ridges, the color or the shape. Usually it is the slightly broken ones that grab your attention. I know that i'll never find another one like it....I may hold onto it for awhile as I roam the beach but in the end I throw it back out towards the ocean only to get swept back to the tide where someone else will find it. Or it will go farther out sea to perhaps never be found again.
The next morning I come back to where the masses of shells lay. I changed my mind. I've thought of nothing else but to find the shell i've once dropped. No matter how hard I search I can't find THAT shell nor one that looks anything like it. I lost it.
Was it a mistake or will I find an even better shell the next trip I take?

This Pain.

Like the Pain in My Back, I Feel Pressured by the World to Compromise.
The Twisting of One's Words and Putting them on Me is No Suprise.


They are of the World, which I'm Not Of.
My Body is Here, But My Soul is Above.

This Ache that I'm Feeling has a Hunger for the Lost.
Giving and Sharing with a Love Without Any Cost.

But yet This Pain Seems to Weigh Me Down.
With all My Mistakes that Make Me Feel Like I'm Going to Drown.

I Don't Want to Drown By My Blood, But Only by Yours.
As i'm Going Down to the Depth of the Sea
I'm Facing all my Heart's Wars.

I'm Screaming Out to Save Me and I Know You Will Jump In.
You've Erased all my Iniquities and Every Single Sin.

Now I am Clean Washed in Your Love.
The Hurt is Gone and it's to You in which I Will Succumb.

My Praise; My Prayer

I Need You to Guide Me, To Lead Me Where I Should Go.

I've Hit Rock Bottom and I Feel so Down, So Low.

I Need that Hope I Use to Have. I Need that Faith That Once Had Me Close.

I've Forgotten What is Important, I've Forgotten My Love and My Home.

You're the Only One Who Can Fulfill Me, This I Know.

Now I Just Need You to Help Me Learn and Grow.

God, I Want to be Near. I Want to Hear the Words You Speak.

I Need to Hear that Still Small Voice to Strengthen When I'm Weak.

You are Like The Mountain that I am Climbing. I want to Reach to the Top.

I Have to reach the Peak and I Never Want to Stop.

Your Love is Like Fire That has Caught Me in its Flow.

I Want to Hold You Dear and Never Let You Go.

Even Times Get Time, I'll know you'll Keep on Loving Me Till the Very End.

My Yoke is Easy and My Burden is Light All Because of You, My Father and Friend.

Die to Self; Live for Him

My Life is in Danger, My Soul is on the Line.
I Keep Doing the Same Things Over and Over Again,
That I Know Will Slip Over Time.

I Rely on Everyone Else and Their Thoughts of Me,
When I Should Be Concentrating on What He Wants Me To Be.

I'm Not Who I Thought I Was While Slipping and Sliding in
This Mess. I Want to Hold on Strong, and Let Him Be
the Only One I Trust.

Every Breath I Take Feels Wasted in Sin.
I'm Wanting to Die to Myself and Be Forgiven.

Let Not the Influence of the World Take Control
Over Me,Let Me No Longer Carry This Weight and
Blindness.I Just Want to Be Free.

Release this Oh God and Let Me Have More Hope.
Guide Me to Where You're at and Tell Me
Where I Should Go.

I Need a New Life, This One is Not Enough.
I Carry So Many Doubts and Burdens and
Yet My Heart Yearns for Love.

Fill My Cup up to the brim, not of
Alcohol or Water but Only of Him.

I Need You Now More than Ever Before,
I Just Need Help to Trust You and
Let You Come in When You Knock on the Door.

I Surrender and I Die to Myself. I am Looking
Forward to A New Beginning;a New Walk
ONLY By Your Help!

Opinions Set in TIme.

In the crossings of my mind, I feel I'm only led by time.
With so many opinions put in perspective, I feel my own thoughts have been neglected.
I need not to change my own pace, that makes up the expression on my face.
I have given into temptation, in my own mind it has read condemnation.
I've let my inner soul be devoured, and in turn has led my heart to sour.
With all these thoughts, I need to stand. Not on other's beliefs that run through the sand.
But in my own that I can base my own opinions on; that set the course of time beyond.

Update- School and Such

So I arrived at Kent State University friday night and moved in my dorm, Centennial D, Saturday afternoon. It was quiet. I could hear snow fall from the roof; that's how quiet.
But I liked it. It was calm. Although I had to move everything in by myself, which wasn't exactly fun, it was nice. So far no roommate and i'm crossing my fingers for there not to be this semester. I feel like that could way me down perhaps. Or just create a boundary to concentration. Living by myself I can do what I want to do, when I want to do and I like that. . . very much. As far as friends go, not too many so far. I mean I have friends from last year but no new ones quite yet. However, I have met a few people on my floor who seem to be pretty chill so that's always awesome.
Job? Zero at this moment in time. A few weeks from now? most likely not. I'm going to try.
But like I said in my last blog, this year is to succeed beyond myself. That's what i'm here for.
And if I can do that, that maybe a job will pop up somewhere along the lines of this semester.

I already miss my family. . . which is odd. But i'll get over it. It's just weird not having them around. Kinda strange. Like i'm a freshman all over again, except i know where i'm going, how to use my flashcard, and where the good places to eat are.
I also miss my man. I know. . . EVERYONE in the world says that, however i sincerely do.
Jack's in California training before he's off to Iraq (or Afganistan). I'm counting down. . . one month...before i get to see him. But this shall pass too.

Well this entry seemed to be more like a journal rather than a blog. But hey, that's what makes writing, writing. You can write whatever the heck you want and no one gives. It's kinda nice.
Until next time i'm off.

More Passionate

I'm antisipating going back to school. . . almost.
More of, I'm ready to start a new beginning, a new path, a new direction.
I have a yearning to learn more, to become successful, and try with my hardest.
Last year, my freshman year, was a struggle.
Although my grades weren't horrible, they weren't made with the best of my ability.
I fell back forgetting my morals, forgetting where I've come from and I let others influence me.
I've learned from my mistakes, my actions; the good and the bad. Now. . .
This year, 2009, I can't wait to make a hard effort to fulfill my goals and to become who
I want to be.
This year, it WILL be different.
and THAT is what I simply can't wait for or antisipate for very much longer.
I'm willing to not let myself Fall again. . . i've become more passionate.