Love is....(6/23/07)

Love can bring a smile to a face that never has.

Love can bond even the worst of enemies.

Love can be simple.

Love can be complicated.

Love is the depth of your heart.

Love breaks chains, bondages, and fears.

Love brings back memories.

Love gives you a reason to live.

Love is the hope for tomorrow.

Love never fades away.

Love will be there right beside you, there to guide you through the quest of life.

Love is never foolish yet can make us be joyful and excited.

Love can make a person do things that he/she never though they could do.

Love can change you.

Love is the peace in our lives that gives us a chance to say i love you.

Love is the forever love that will never let you go; never let you fall.

Love is not fake;it's real and truthful.

Love can bring a kiss to a tear, a hug to a fear, and a person to be beside when you are lonely.

Love is not the only the greatest gift, but it's also the greatest thing you could ever receive.

Love brings out your inner being.

Love controls who you are, yet it can make you go out of control; in the greatest of ways.

Love is unselfishness and thinking of others than yourself.

Love makes you giddy, angelic, divine,wonder, brings joy, and attracts the true sensibility of the heart.

Love is the definition of a chance that can be taken.

Am I Living?

I have Tears. Joy. Laughter. Sorrow. Happiness. Sadness. I carry Hope. Love. Peace. Kindness. I witness War. Heartache. Confusion. Separation. Death. Misunderstanding. I believe in Redemption. Faith. Trust. Honest. I'm afraid of Hate. Worry. Sickness. Pain. Scarcity. Loneliness. Abandonment. Absentness. I strive for Success.Love.Acceptance. Hope. Forgiveness.

Am I living? That is a question I ask myself often. What is really the true definition of living?
~an actual existence, having life; no death.
~active, thriving and strong; flowing freely
~true to life
~absolute. changing; livelihood
~survival

Am I a lifeless being that floats around space; with no purpose and no plans? or do I Coexist to the unknown and only live my life under shadows that have been carried over to me? Will the weights ever be taken off, will the pressure be sustained? I'm hoping for the chance to look out of the window and see the sky once more; to look over the the ground and see spurts of grass begin to grow. My inner core is drying up; yet I need replenished to help me survive.

The One I Seek

I've been searching for so long, caught up in the past yet I want this feeling to last.
I want to find the one I seek, the one that will belong to me.
If I try to fake the reality, I know my heart will break.
So i'm just holding to the fact, that my heart is coming back.
I am learning to find the One i Seek!

Reccuring Thoughts of You

I have a reccuring dream that happens over and over again.
Except it never stops, o the memories surrounding my head.
I have a reccuring happening of the time I spent with you.
It only ever happened when I wasn't sure what to do.
I have a recurring verse that has been heard over again,
But it keeps reminding me of the words that were left unsaid.
I have a recurring thought of you, that makes me want to cry.
But everytime i remember, I can't help thinking why.
The recurring mystery that was between me and you,
that kept us lost in eachothers eyes going against what we do.
The Recurring thoughts of you, were standing in the door.
Hoping that life will open itself up only once more.

The Confusing Confusion

Yes, it's a word. In the midst of two separate confusions that conspire into one monateouness confusing bliss more like a headache.
Hm. I can't explain it all, because that is how simply confusing it is.
I will just confuse you.
Okay here, I'll try to illustrate with an unusual allagory:

I like fruit. The ripe, sweet, very good fruit.
Now, there is an apple and there is an orange. I like both fruits a lot. The orange is more brightly colored and the apple has a shiny tint.
The orange has been sitting on the counter for weeks, perhaps even months. and Well i never grabbed that orange. So someone does.
The apple, however has been only sitting on the counter for a couple days, maybe a week. and Well i am considering grabbing the apple.
Although the apple is already in my hand, I still want the orange. I've seen the orange sit on the counter for a long time. For we only just got the apple.
In my mind i want the apple, but im afraid I may drop it. But I may want the orange, but yet it might just roll out of my hands.

Originally I like fruit, now why do i have to choose whether or not I want the apple or orange?

The Bottom

I have dived into the sea while risking it all. Knowing that I could hit the rocks that would break my fall.
So I go for the chance without even the wind knowing, but somewhere beyond the horizon i'm afraid of my fear showing.
I take the leap, I run the mile. But the sea consumes me with the wave's smile.
The rigid rocks jabb into my skin, this pain comes alive once again.
This hurt is familiar, yet i seemed so unaware.Until the rocks hit me, i lost my care.
Taken too many risks that have cost my life which im not willing to sacrifice.
The evil has come back to haunt me and to watch over my heart, making sure that it stays apart.
Maybe I was never meant to dive into the ocean so soon, perhaps i should have stayed on the land away from the doom.
Now i must wait at the sea below, as my heart trys to mend it self together once more.

October 23rd...Rain and Smoke Anaolgy.

The Rain is pouring so heavely. I love the rain. The smell it gives, the freshness it leaks out, yet i try to avoid it.
I'm afraid of the rain that it may hurt my appearance, defiling my outsides. Yet I simply know i won't be thought as different, but yet i still try to avoid it.
The Rain makes things grow, yet I hide under the black umbrella that shields me from getting wet.
While outside watching the seemingless water, stream down, bouncing off the sidewalk to create a shining glow. A magnificent aspect of weather yet I do my best to stay dry, to keep out of the splendor.
I stay Away from the Rain which I can soak up yet smoke crawls into my lungs and is only breathed out to fill the air.
I take a big deep breath of a substance that can be predicted. As soon as it has satisfied my senses, I exhale while sustaining a confused feeling.
The rain is not confusing nor misunderstood yet I keep myself away from it cleaning the air. The smoke is cloudy, which takes up time and money and only produces satisfaction.
The umbrella that covers me not only keeps the rain away but it holds the smoke close to choke me.
I don't want the smoke, neither the umbrella. I want to feel the rain, and I want to run it.
I want to breathe and live the rain yet i have no whre else to go except the closed tightness umbrella that overalps me with the smoke steaming down my throat.

September 9th 2007

Confusion is pouring out of my heart that is still dry.
Anticipation is at the edge while waiting to be done.
Too many things to think of, yet the time is slowing down.
Faster, I say, yet time will not listen. No matter what
rope I pull. Smiles are fierce and crossing everyone's face,
except for mine. No matter the distance, I want to run.
I want to run so far till I can't run anymore; to become worthwhiled.
Will this world every be unslandered, united and not-arrogant?
Can i trust the people of this world? No. I believe I can not.
The bleeding is still going, my mind is still crying. My tears are not yet drying.
and the heart that was plundered is still dying.

Troubles

I'm crying out, "I need You". I feel like I'm trapped and feel like I can never get out.
No matter what I do, it seems like I keep going back while running farther and farther away from you.
I question myself, "What do I have to do to learn?" Will it just be a little scratch or could it turn into a 2nd degree burn?
When will i listen? How can I not? Why do I sometimes want to? but then suddenly feel lost?
Once again confusion creeps up on me, like the darkness of night yet I'm blind and can't barely see.
The bad end of the rope, the worst part of the line. Why don't I get that? Will I soon run out of time?
So many things have I learned and talked about with one. Yet I can not grasp it and once again I feel gone.
My strength is decreasing where I can barely hold on. I'm losing my grip and I know it won't be long.
Only you can save me, and I've seen it before. But for some reason I run back into the fire and tightly lock the door!

Processing myself..a college student! Yay Ay!

so college? hm. well i like it. Work? no, but the social, living by self, freedom and everything else is great. its sad though. i like a science class better than a writing class and im going for journalism..weird. probably cuz i missed one of the first days.but still. weird. i like the science teacher. he has really good teaching skills and uses hands-on materials to get students involved. why cant everyone else be like that? easy, free, simple, non-irritating, why?

Fear-8/15/07

I fear of Falling down to the ground, trying to get up, while afraid of falling back down.
I'm out of breath, feeling it's too late.Trying to hold on but my legs always give way.
I'm scared of losing, of drowning in my own blood. Falling under the emotions while dying of love.
Consequently I'm pacing, lost of the truth. Running up and down the pathway still hoping I won't lose.
Searching fpr the right road. The one bridge to cross, but yet I fear that I'll join the others who are at loss.
I may be slipping so very far away, but i know i never can go back, atleast not today.
The fear of falling over a large cliff. Closing the air I breathe, while my lungs get stiff.
I'm losing, fearing and always falling. The hurt is wrapped around me. Perhaps, Im scared of everything.

Freedom-THe kind No one Knows Of.

I want to be free. I wish we could just get up and go somewhere no matter the distance, no matter the cost. But here I'm trapped in the timely earth that beckons me to stay chained to the unexpected. I want to just have a simple life, no complications, no worries, no loss, no underestimation of the ability of humanity. But then again, I feel the sores on my hands and feet reminding of the chains that have been and will always be there. I want to have freedom that no one else has. To have a mystery, a secret. Yet no one is getting hurt by the sinless temptation. The memories again captivate my mind and drown the hope of having freedom. A freedom like I never have had, to solemnly bring peace to my mind whenever wherever. To do as I please, not in a rebellious way;no. Just leaving to a peaceful spot. With no one to ask where your going, why,etc. Its more of a freedom that cannot be explained. Ah being Free. I wonder...

No. It does not exhist. For I am bound on this earth with none just like my fellow brothers.

Travel and other Thoughts

I want to travel. I want to go across the world to eat different foods, be with different people, hear different languages, and see different cultures. I like diversity. I love culture. I want to travel and write about different countries and people around the world.

Smiles. Curiosity. Creativity. Individuality. Writing. Playing. Thinking. Diversity of Ethics. Friendship. Loneliness. Sadness. Depression. Missing. Wondering. Stressing.Laughing. Hoping. Learning. Life. Am I Living?

Tired and all that combined

Tiredness is dripping from my cheeks and falling onto the floor. Energy- very little I must say. Thoughts and worries are soaking up the clouds above me, as i barely lift my eyes to even spell my name correctly. Time is only to a limit and spare time happens rarely never. Sleep is needed yet I still want to know whats going on around me; don't want to miss anything or anyone. Ah....sleep just 20 more minutes and I will be slothfully laying in my bed with my sheets right next to me; with a pillow- finally something to prop my head....drifting..drifting off to sleep..and remembering ALL that needs done a couple hours after i sleep...

Writing nothing..

I wanted to write something inspiring, yet interesting but then i thought perhaps things that happen to me that I think are normal aren't really normal.For example;learning a lesson. I could share something that happened with a family member or a friend and to me it would just be another mess up/ confusion-based problem or "gift" but to someone else it could be an eye opener, realization or something to just intrigue them.. this is where i stop.... i think way too much!

Tonight- A MOVIE

Tonight could have easily been a movie. With the acception of not EVERYTHING happening and little details would have to be added. But still when I was working tonight, someone came and it could have been definetely a beginning of a romantic/comical movies.

Yes, I believe it could.

Life of Becoming a College Student and Such.

Assigments? Money? FAFSA? Student Loan? Parent Loan? Fees? Money? Ah a life of a College Student. Courses? Notebooks? Pencils? Money? Books? Papers? Computers? Printers? Notepads? Money? Classes-when and where to take them? Ah a life of a College Student. Responsibility? Freedom? Trust? Rules?Money? Friends? Ah a life of a College Student. Dorm Items? MONEY?...ah a life of a College Student..


What is the most common word and needed thing? You guessed it! MONEY!!!

Newness and the Wind of Change

Okay so Number 1, I do not like being NEW especially when i am in unfamiliar places that i have never been to and don't barely know or have an aquaintance with ANYONE!

Number 2
I can adapt to change, yes, and i hace experience much change in the small life i have lived, yes, but it does not mean i LIKE change.

For one I hate going to places that are new unless i know someone or i go with someone that i know other than that, it makes me annoyed and insecure,yes insecure, and to be honest, just a little nauseating.

I also hate when you are at church and the welcoming people call you by your sister's name EVERY time you go and then asks if thats your name and you say NO every single time..AHH!!
Also i don't like when people talk to you and they absolutely for surely know that you want a wall between you..haha..seriously though..some people i just DO NOT want to have a "connection" with or "interaction" with because they either annoy the crap out of me or bother me some way or another. I usually try NOT to send the message to them that i feel this way but usually it some how gets out..but sometimes i dont feel that way and people take what i say or how i react wrong..

But yeah...
The Wind of Change is a life long thing that happens. Pretty soon change will be all i know, with college, new people, new surrounding, no parents, etc....some things good, others bad...:(..so yeah its not exactly fun..

The reason why I DO NOT like BBBIIIGGG churches!!!!!

1. you barely are able to get to know someone really well unless you're connected some other way because there are SOO many people in the church.
2. look to number 1 with people my age
3. churches have there own little "cliques" too... which is TONS harder when you go to a HUGE church with lots of people and when you dont know ANYONE!!
..but yeah

Popcorn-just like Feelings.

Popcorn only pops when you heat the kernels up with some source of heat whether electric, by a microwave or over an open fire. The popcorn ALWAYS has a source. Without corn, there would be no such thing as "popcorn". Without the source, there would be no way to make the kernels into what they come to be.

Feelings always have a source, whether from the heart or thoughts of others around you. Those things create the feelings that you have.

Kernels pop, but sometimes they don't. If the heat doesn't get to them or if there isnt enough butter on the kernel to penetrate it for it to pop, then it stays a kernel.

Sometimes we have feelings for reasons that we don't know why. Instead of 'popping' like everyone else is we simply just don't pop at all. We keep our feelings to our selves and never share them with eachother.

If you ever roast or pop popcorn there always seems to be a couple that pop late..sometimes very late....they are the kernels that pop when you take a bag out of the microwave and as you open the bag one pops..

Feelings can be like that in a person. You hold feelings in and never express them or talk about that and then one day, you pop/blow!! Everything feels like it's exploding, and you don't know what to do. Pretty soon that's all you ever know. Is to hold on to the feelings and then one day let them go with more than just a free hand; more like a thunderstorm or hurricane. It can effect others.

Night/In the Country (7/17/2007)

The fog approaches. The clouds are severed. The sky turns to a sheer pink. Lights beam through the windows on some of the houses that have weathered.

Ah' the sound of country; I hear birds from my right ear, yet trucks and cars passing through St.Rd.39 on my left.

A great picture it would be as the sky comes to the realization of night! For just one second everything is silenced, while I have the company of a firefly.

The smell of the air is humid and blurred, yet the feeling of stillness is heavenly and relaxing.

I listen, I watch the horse pondering around the field. An old, wooden fence surrounds his large territory, rain pours; not unders its own will.

Yes, it's the time for evening. As I look back up from the pages I am writing on, it dawns on me that the sky is faultering to a gray.

Lights are still seen; the rain lingers as the night begins. Why am I so suprised? Why, even the trees know it will happen again.

Music Symphony/ Soul (7/10/2007)

Music I hear, the influence it gives. Creativity flows out of me, as I listen.

The soul of music, where it all began. The true meaning, yet hard to understand.

Songs of love and peace, comforting and peacefull yet some distraught notes about hate and guilt that perhaps is distasteful.

Music shouldn't just be about fantasies, and things that aren't real. I think that a song matters most when you write what you feel.

The lyrics of a song or a melody to a simple piece, should be the heart and soul of someones feelings.

Music isn't about lying, it is where truth should be simply told, bringing out the reality of what music can actually hold.

Music engulfs my mind, gliding in my blood, amazingly travels through my soul, creating a music flood.

My voice is an instrument, my passion is the note. Music is my symphony, that makes my soul flow.

the ART of Stress...

wow.. life can be soo stressfull..no matter what is going on..its nuts

i hate stress!!

Is There Something called Real?

Being real to me is being truthful to yourself. BEing different. Having your own dislikes and likes. Not liking something because someone else doesn't. Real is truth. Being truthful is being real to who you are and what you will become. I think that is where you will find yourself. If you're Real with who you are then you can be Real with others. I've just realized that showing your REAL self can help. your not a copy of someone. Just you. I think thats what makes us REAL. and I think thats what makes our dreams a REAL-ity!

Sonnet-O' Wondrous of Ways

How do I love Thee? Let me count the ways, I love Thee beyong the coldness of death, No matter where Thee go. I shall love Thee till the end of time, til the oon turns bright red or till the sun is no more. I love Thee with nothing else behind me, No one else to interfere the time on earth. I love Thee strong, bright, till the very end. Time passes so fast, but yet you are still beside me. I love Thee, with love that can last till the day that I past. O' so many wondrous ways that I love Thee. How can I count The so many ways That I love Thee?

No More Life -(by me) 06/08/2007

No more hellos, no more goodbyes, no more winks, all laughs have died.
No more talking, no more breathing, no more dreaming, hope is leaving.
No more life, just endless death, gone so soon, yet a time to dread.
It still feels like a dream, a trance that we're in, coming to the realization that he is at his end.
No more tears that he will shed, not more words that were or will be said.
No more life, all is gone, just one morning, right at dawn.
No matter how many times we cry, I can never get over that he died.

Our Unique Side

Some people can write, others can paint, some can draw, while others can't.
Some people are planners, others may be laid back, some people are smart, and some are good at track.
Over here are some shy people, talkative people over there, some people stay in a tight box, others live there lives to dare.
Some people are thinkers, others are dreamers, others like pictures and then there are those readers.
Some are intellectuals, while others have deep emotions, some take a long time to fall in love while others react to love like a potion.
Some people think big, while others think small, some are individualistic, while others lean on all.
Some can act, while others can sing, some can play instruments, while others musically don't know a thing.
So many talents, all of us are unique, I'm glad we are not the same, because this world would be oh so bleak.
If we all had the same tastes, and same desires, we each wouldn't be as special, and i think it'd be a nightmare.

Today

Today can be a good day or a bad day. It's up to me. Lets see. I want it to me a good day. I think it will be a good day. Maybe not the best day ever but atleast a day where I can just sleep and rest and not worry about going into work tomorrow..oh wait..no thats tomorrow night i have off. Darn it. Well atleast I get to sleep and maybe watch a movie or something. Maybe i'll go to Millersberg and go to the Gypsy shop. It has very unique jewelry and antiques....or maybe I will just laze around.who knows.i'll just what happens today.

Inspiration Comes from Within

Inspiration comes from within, perhaps a given thought or a given dream.
Full of spirit that comes within the heart, Inspiration is filled through your soul.
Perhaps a lesson that needs to be learned, or just part of a word that can give inspiration. Inspiration is lost within itself, no one can control the ups and downs of its integrity.
May come from a simple verse or the act one's daily life. Inspiration can be dreamt and thought of but can never be change because inspiration comes from within.

Love

Love can bring a smile to a face that never has.
Love can bond even the worst of enemies.
Love can be simple.
Love can be complicated.
Love is the depth of your heart.
Love breaks chains, bondages, and fears.
Love brings back memories.
Love gives you a reason to live.
Love is the hope for tomorrow.
Love never fades away.
Love will be there right beside you, there to guide you through the quest of life.
Love is never foolish yet can make us be joyful and excited.
Love can make a person do things that he/she never though they could do.
Love can change you.
Love is the peace in our lives that gives us a chance to say i love you.
Love is the forever love that will never let you go; never let you fall.
Love is not fake;it's real and truthful.
Love can bring a kiss to a tear, a hug to a fear, and a person to be beside when you are lonely.
Love is not the only the greatest gift, but it's also the greatest thing you could ever receive.
Love brings out your inner being.
Love controls who you are, yet it can make you go out of control; in the greatest of ways.
Love is unselfishness and thinking of others than yourself.
Love makes you giddy, angelic, up in the clouds, divine,wonder, brings joy, and attracts the true sensibility of the heart.
Love is the simple meaning of I love you.

The Worst Day - The Death of A Loved One.

One morning I woke up to a phone call. I heard my sister say " Great Grandpa died". That was honestly the worst thing I have ever heard. Considering I just woke up, i was still in a daze and wasn't sure if i had heard right. So i raced down the stairs and asked my younger siblings and my mom if it were true, and it was. That was the worst day. We started to get ready to go to my great grandma's house to be with her and make plans for the funeral and everything. When we entered the room everyone was crying and talking about how great he was. I couldn't take it. Everyone crying just wanted to make you cry any more. Just as soon as my face would dry up, someone would say something and tears would just come out. I must say it was comforting for all the aunts and uncles(his kids and grandchildren), to be together. That's one thing that I love about our family. Well the one side anyway. But No matter what happens we stick together and actually get closer. Now that's amazing. My great grandpa and I were close. Closer than all the other great grandchildren. One of the reasons would be because since i was 2 or so, me and my grandpa would always wink when we first said hi to eachother and when we said bye. We did that EVERY time through out my whole life. Even down to the week before he died, the last time i saw him. Which was memorial day. He really gave his last "umf" and really put it out that day. I think he knew that it would be the last time he'd be at the family gatherings. I think all of us kinda knew. The last thing he said to me was "We will never forget that,will we?" as he winked at me for the last time. And i won't ever forget that because that is one of the things that me and him did that NO ONE else did in our big family. I think that is why is was the worst day of my life so far because i felt like i lost a connection with someone i have had for my entire life and that is hard on someone when you don't know the specific time or when anything like that will happen.

Living Life Like Today is Your Last Day.

Many people take life for granted. Regretting what they did in the past and how they dealt with different situations. How they perhaps treated their family or friends and how they wish they could reset time and go back and fix those things. Now I personally think that everyone has atleast wished once or twice that they could go back and do something differently. But the ones that have soaked up their life will know that even though they might have messed up, that what they are doing in the present matters most. Living life like it is your last day, is not always necessarily easy but it will be something that you won't regret. If you would die tomorrow, would you leave knowing that you did okay on earth, would you know that you helped a lot of people and did awesome, or would you leave knowing that you could have done a lot better?